I have been absent from Substack for a few minutes because school has started, which means that I wear many hats. Most of them I did not place on my own head. As an educator I’m actually treated like a co parent/nurse/social worker/life coach and mediator all while being micromanaged from all of the actual parents and caregivers of the beloved cherubs. In a recent article in Nea Today they declare that strong educator-parent relationships help students succeed. Contrary to popular belief, children don’t just show up mature and capable, evolved and responsible, it takes steady, intentional communication, along with honesty and attention to the slightest detail to avoid missing critical moments. And there are bound to be times where some critical elements slip through the cracks. Having said all of that, it is frustrating that there is often little or no recourse when you know you are watching a train wreck in progress, but even the conductor refuses to acknowledge it? I know when I am clearly powerless to stop the wreck. And I am just as certain I will have to help clear the wreckage.
I have never given birth to a child and have not been a parent in that manner before, but I have children who are part of my life as family, they rely on me for advice and guidance. Talking to parents about their children sometimes can be the most exhausting part of my day. I love helping people, and I’m really going to work on telling the truth with cotton balls, bumpers and Jello pudding softness, but the reality is that sometimes my words come crashing in like a locomotive and there is no stopping the trajectory. I have also learned to be okay watching parents spin out, crash out or spaz out over what their children are doing with their lives. And I have also had the privilege of watching a parent not say one word while a whole load of mess unfolded in front of her with her child. She was calm she says because she remembers herself at her child’s age and she knew that her child would be fine because she had endured. She said that sometimes her parents had put their hand in her situation and messed up what would have naturally occurred. Sometimes their words had fueled something that was empty or revived a situation that was already dead. She told me that with her parents, if they said they didn’t like the boy, she felt like she had to spend another month pretending she enjoyed his company just to add salt to their wound. It was a petty and childish thought, but that was the game being played at the time. With her own children she took a hands-off, but available, approach. Her three children are through college and doing well, all things considered. Her style may have been the beginning of the “soft parenting” revolution to rid the culture of the abuse often experienced as a form of discipline in older generations. That parenting style: authoritative, demanding and unyielding is now frowned upon due to the rebellion that tends to be the negative results and the typical reaction to that form of discipline
When I’m being real with the people who I consider my own “grown children” I’ll admit that I am opinionated, but I also ask a variety of probing questions to get an explanation from them about their choices and behaviors. Ideally, my questions are designed to actually help them see the fallout, connect the dots and, hopefully change their minds and/or behavior.
I am able to manage because I have learned to stay in my lane. Often people will come to me with their concerns and unravel all of their emotional filters to unload and collapse with me. In return, I reserve my response to support and ask questions. I let them share so that they see that they actually may have options. Other times I ask if they want my help to explore their options and possibly allow me to help them consider avenues they have not contemplated while trying to make the best decision. It takes everything in my entire soul not to point out glaring inconsistencies, or even worse to see them repeating destructive behaviors. The final solution I hope works out for everyone involved and keeps relationships intact. All too often there is a huge divide, and boundaries get broken that can lead to relationships that need mending. Letting people reach their own conclusions is one of the keys to my own growth and I have managed to maintain my sanity by trying my best to remain neutral, yet resourceful.
Going forward, I will do all that I can to stay consistent in addition to working my day job with fidelity; even though my day job often becomes my night job. Hashtag blessed to be employed.